YoLinda's Xanga

Michael...

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:15:00 GMT

"Man In The Mirror"

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

Long time no see

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 00:35:13 GMT

So sorry I never post here any more. Trying to keep up with Facebook, Twitter, Blogger and actual real life is over whelming. Directing a play and husband out of work and kid home from college. Crazy busy.

But I miss my xanga friends. How are you?

Posts from my blog...

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:35:18 GMT

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Limbo Land Part 2

Yesterday I was teaching private yoga to a lovely lady who was delighted to find out what her body would allow her to do if she was gentle with it. As we were finishing up the class, I noticed my husband came home. It was 11:30...this couldn't be good. Making myself stay focused on my client, I didn't allow myself to speculate. Or maybe I just didn't want to know. My first thought, as always "is my Dad okay?" My second: His mom? His dad? the car? Sigh.

His job. Wow. After all these years? Really? Like really? We are now part of the growing statistics... part of all the poor souls who have lost their jobs. Their primary source of income. We've been praying for all his co-workers that they've been laying off over the last 8 months. Never dreamed he would be one of them. They (management) kept telling him he would not be one of them-- his job was secure because he was the only person in the office who knew how to do everything. Course, since they gone from a staff of 90 to 15 in 8 months, I guess they don't have much of everything that needs someone to know how to do it.

So, wow. We've talked about this for months. The what ifs.... "well, should I look for a full time job? what do I do about my now finally doing well business? should we refinance? should we go ahead and try and sell the house and move to a less expensive area? where? what about the kid's college? what in the world kind of job could I get that would make up for your income? How bad do we really think this economy will get? Are we all gonna live in tents? Obama will make it better...." and on and on. Preparing but not preparing. Which we now realize was stupid. Refinancing and consolidating is much harder when you don't have verifiable income.

All shall be well. Telling the kids was tough. Cory, bless his heart, came in from work and took one look at his Dad being home during the day "WHAT? You don't work no more?" (with a comical old man New York accent) Barry & I laugh. Poor Cory. "well... as a matter of fact, no, I don't work no more" "S*&&" "Yeah". He instantly runs upstairs and comes down with his tips from the night before.... "here's rent". Cory, who just found out his Starbucks store is closing and he will lose his daytime job in 30 days.... offering rent. Very sweet.

All shall be well. We were worried that Rhia, in college, would think she would HAVE to come home... she's been stewing for awhile with all the pay cuts Barry's gone through in the last year. We will work it out. If the worst thing that happens is she spends a year in community college...hey, a degree is a degree. All shall be well.

They closed down Barry's email account instantly. After all those years. He hadn't even made it home. He had to draft a letter to his contacts trying to keep it upbeat. Instantly...prayers of support, offers of help, leads for jobs. His brother even offered to take care of Rhia's college. We are so blessed. All shall be well.

So here we are. We've decided not to panic. He's working on his resume "honey, where's my resume?" "dear, that was 4 computers ago..." We'll try and refinance-- I put my rusty old wheeling dealing mortgage brain on in the shower yesterday... "you mean to tell me with a loan to value ratio as low as ours, you're still gonna verify income and do an appraisal? Honestly, you should pray we default! You could use the money..." All shall be well.

Know anyone who wants to hire a Jane of all trades?

Seriously, thank you all for your prayers and support and Reiki... we feel it. Wow. All shall be well.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Impatience

This is the worst time of year for my patience. I LOVE Spring. I can't resist raking off the leaves in my gardens, seeing all the new shoots coming up, remembering what's where and being surprised at the new volunteers. I want to get out there.... dig and divide... prune and plant...create and cultivate...NOW! The plants in my house need to get out NOW. They are barely holding on, they need water and wind... time to GOOOO!

I need to sit out on the grass, wind blowing through my hair, watching the cherry willow sway and the daffodils bobbing their heads and leaning to the sun. I need to listen to the birds without their songs being muffled by my windows. I look at my hands, all clean and with long white fingernails and I can't identify them.. they need to have perpetual dirt under them... these are not my fingernails.

My schedule has been nuts lately. Good nuts. But nuts. On Sunday, I had about 10 minutes where I was outside. It was warm, almost balmy. I quickly grabbed my pruners and hand rake and went to town (much to the dismay of my husband who had just cleared all the path in front of the gardens only to turn around and find them covered again). Cataloging in my head "oh my the hollyhock are comin up, you need to cut back those weeds of sharon, time to decide what to do about that honeysuckle, lordy look at all the phlox, where's my sage?, should I pull that trumpet vine closer?, wow, that curly willow is 3 feet bigger, how is that possible?, liriope needs a serious haircut....

Just a taste but it has wet my appetite. And now I can't think of anything else. I need out there. NOW. And I am so torn today. A very dear friend has discovered that I, after living in the DC area for 48 years, have never once seen the cherry blossoms. She is stunned. And insisting on taking me there. Today. Now, part of me is feeling so blessed... what a great friend! The other part of me... the one looking down on these clean fingernails... is saying "DUDE, it's sunny! I need to get out there! NOW! I'm sure those cherry blossoms can't be nearly as impressive as the one in my front yard!"

But I hear they are fairly impressive. And she is one of my bestest friends. And I know the minute I get there I will be awed, inspired and thinking I was nuts to even consider not going. And it really is a tad bit too early to rip apart all my gardens right now and throw all my indoor plants out. Errrrgh! Warmth! I need warmth!!! NOW!

Sigh. Patience...young grasshopper...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Home again, home again, jiggedy jig...

We are home. Well, technically. We have come back to earth while keeping our eyes on the sky. This was quite possibly the biggest thing our family has ever witnessed/experienced/enjoyed. On so many levels. I mean, you have the obvious brother in law blasting into space thing. But there was so much more.

It was like a family reunion and high school/college reunion rolled into one. Our kids got to see and hear about who we were BC (before children) Our friends got to see who we became AC. It was amazing to see and talk to people that you used to spend every single day with 28 years ago, who you knew almost as well... if not better... than you knew yourself. All of Barry's brothers and sisters were there, that hadn't happened in at least 10 years. And everyone was united for a single cause: support Ricky's family through all these ups and downs.

I was so proud of everyone. I've never seen so many hugs and sharing on a deep level. I've never felt closer to my sister in law. She was such a trouper, really went out of her way to make sure everyone knew each other and was having fun. People came from all over the world; Korea, Saudi Arabia, Canada and of course, Texas, California, New York just to witness this astronomical event. Pun intended. Course we all had a ton of time on our hands since the launch was delayed so we got to really spend a lot of time hanging out and having fun.

On Launch day, we all joined at the Slow and Low in Cocoa Beach for a good luck lunch. We were all on pins and needles since we knew there were no guarantees, we knew from Wednesdays experience that anything could happen. We were nervous because most of us would be unable to stay any longer, we had held out as long as funds and real life would allow, if the shuttle didn't go we were gonna miss it. And that was unthinkable. Before we ate, each table gathered hands, and said a communal grace. Not 5 minutes later, Ricky called. We were a go! Cheers & Hugs & the first of many tears. It was for real, it was for real... it was for real. You could feel the emotion as it went around the room. As you hugged Eloise. Like she said, "it's so strange to feel every bit of your emotions all at once..."

We head back to the hotel, getting ready... cameras, videos, good luck charms :) The extended family and friends got to be ushered to the Banana Creek viewing site on buses so we gather at a pavilion to have security check us out and to wait. Much hand grabbing and "can you believe this????" We get to Banana Creek and see how close we really are to the shuttle. Unreal. Is Ricky really going to strap himself into a rocket and be blasted off into space? But he was already strapped in. It was just a matter of time. Endless time. We wander around, taking pictures, buying souvenirs, texting our friends and family back home. The immediate family is on a balcony above our viewing stand, they wave and we cheer... more pictures. They come down, more cheering, more pictures, much more hugging. I don't believe I have ever sent as much Reiki as I did that day. I just held my hand on Eloise's back every opportunity I had. She just kept saying thank you... "I feel the karma you are sending" How cute she called it karma. Rhia, the Reiki Master in training was sending it too... and Sheree at home...

Next thing we know the countdown clock starts up again (NASA has these weird built in holds where they stop the clock for long periods of time, I dunno) We scramble to our seats to get ready. Mike, the astronaut who was everywhere we were, started explaining everything to us... how the astronauts were feeling... how he felt when he was strapped in for 3 hours and how they feel right now.. 10 minutes before lift off. It was just all so surreal. The next thing we know they start playing the National Anthem. We stand, put our hands over our hearts, staring at the shuttle launch pad and we sing. I look over at my old friend, Kris, tears streaming down her face and smile. I'm not the only one. I put my hands together and begin to pray. 10, 9, 8... OMG this is really happening...7, 6, 5...water and smoke and fire 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!~

The ground starts rumbling... the rockets begin to take off... what an incredible sight! We are cheering and then as the shuttle begins to clear the pad we are silent. Eyes glued to this big ball of flames.. not even breathing... not even a coherent thought.. just witnessing. And then Mike the Astronaut breaks the silence.. "it's okay, _____ and (((( andlajeaoehoahea" No clue what he said but we all start cheering cause we know it's okay. It was the longest 8 minutes I've ever spent. Every few moments, Houston and Mike the Astronaut would explain what was happening and we would cheer... rocket boosters separating... contingency plans and what not... I'm sure it was all perfect but for me the specifics didn't matter. Are they safe? Do they get to live their dreams? Did this really happen? Look at the plume of smoke as it hits the sunset, brilliant oranges and yellows and blues. I will never forget this day.

Afterwards, when you could no longer see even a blip on the horizon, people begin to leave. Leave? How can we leave? We need to stay here til they get back!!!! But leave we did. After a farewell party on the beach and a 15 hour car trip we are home. The NASA channel constantly on our living room laptop... trying to get back into the swing of our old life. But after that, all this seems kinda, well... I dunno... anticlimactic?

Ricky's up til the 28th. He had his first space walk yesterday as I was home folding laundry. Sigh. Amazing. Watching your brother in law float in space. Just surreal. Did that really happen?

Limbo Land

So. Here we are in Florida. Now, Florida is a really great place. Warm breezes, ocean waves, friendly people, what a great place to be stuck in. Yep. Stuck. This is all so surreal. Sunday we drive 9 hours to Montreat to pick up my daughter. Have a marvelous time in Asheville visiting the Mellow Mushroom and spending a bit of time visiting my daughter's stomping grounds. Get up the next day and drive 10 hours to Florida. Get in late, have quite a bit of drama over the room but yeah, it's Florida... how bad can it be?

Spend the next day on a delightful tour of Nasa, feeling sort of special with our family passes, being ushered through special back doors and going to visit the whole team of Space Shuttle Discovery "across the ditch"... (Astronauts are put in quarantine a week before a launch to make sure they don't get sick during their mission so you can't hug them... or their family... before the big "take off" so they stand across the street from you as you and all the other family members are herded into a large corded area so you can wave, clap and stare at them before the actual launch. Sort of monkey like but a great photo op)

Got to go to Imax and see just how scary Ricky's spacewalks are in 3D (if he ever gets the launch on a reasonable time, he'll get 3) Got to sit in a simulated "space shuttle experience" ride and feel the G forces he'll feel if/when he launches. Got briefed by a real astronaut on what it will all be like and got to ask questions just like we were... well, people who got briefed by real astronauts. Got a ride out to the landing strip and the special family launch space that said family (us) will get to watch supposed launch.

And now we sit. and wait. and drink. Poor Weez, my sister in law and said astronauts wife, is a mess. She feels so bad that we have all come from all over, California, Korea, Saudi Arabia, Canada, New York, and of course, Texas, where they live, to see this wonderful experience for Ricky.... only to be scrambling trying to find hotel rooms and new flights and all the other logistics of living in limbo... shall we stay til Monday? or Wednesday? What ARE the odds that this sucker will fly? Can I get my employer/dog sitter/clients to just be patient and wait a few more days? And what if it doesn't launch? How long do we hold out? Should we leave Weez and the kids alone? What if we go home and they announce the launch the next day? What if we stay and they don't launch til April? So many questions. So few answers.

But in spite of all of it, we are having a great time. There is a large group of us. Friends from 30 years ago. The entire Miller family sans a few cousins. We have been partying like it's 1979. We laughed so hard last night reminiscing that most of us were complaining of our bellies and faces being sore from laughing so hard. When we were young we used to have "big chill" weekends... where we would all get together and party for an entire weekend.. we are all giggling about how this is a "big chill" week. Trouble is, we don't know when it will end. We don't know how long we will be in limbo here. We don't know how long our livers will hold out, let alone our hotel reservations.

Oh well, we are digging in our heels and trying to see it all through. Hopefully it will be Sunday. All we can do is play it one day at a time. Sooner or later he will launch, or we will come home. But in the meantime... it's party time! Could be worse... at least we are in sunny Florida! And my oh my it is BEAUTIFUL here. Kinda hard to complain huh? Esp. when Ricky's safety is first and foremost on all of our minds....

See you one day...don't know when. Namaste'

Whirlwind Tour

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:37:01 GMT

Life has been exceptionally busy lately. While we are still staying glued to the NASA RSS feed, not knowing when/if we are leaving anytime soon, we are going about our business as usual. I had scheduled a ton of stuff for after the proverbial space launch so it was time to get cracking... or cranking...

Last week was spent preparing for the Restorative Yoga Day. Ahhh, if you haven't been to a RYD you just don't know how wonderful it is. As I was telling my friends/participants Saturday morning, it's an extra special treat for me since most of the time I am doing all the talking teaching--it's great to sit down and listen to my students and catch up to what's going on with their lives. It's also a great meditative day, since they get to ease into their poses and then while they just lay on the cushions and pillows sinking in, I get a lot of breathing in and breathing out time. I feel so blessed to be able to watch even the tightest shoulders slowly relax... sometimes it's even my own. I am always amazed at the insights that are shared during this day, even with people I've known for many years, you get to see, really see each person in a new light. White Light of course!

It's a lot of pre-prep stuff though. Since it's at my house, all my furniture in the office & Spirit Room is moved out to accommodate all the blankets, mats & pillows and this has a bit of domino effect to the rest of the house. Barry took off work a half day Friday to help with this process (he does all the cooking too--it's a joint effort) Just as we placed the last piece of bric a brac and sat down to rest my son pops in. With my daughter. From North Carolina. SURPRISE!!

Seems Rhia wanted to surprise us for our anniversary so she hatched a plot with a college friend from Frederick to drop in for the weekend. This weekend. Which was a scheduling nightmare! After all the hugs and exclamations we said, "RHIA!!! what are you thinking?"

"I know, I know, but I figure since I'm ditching you to go to Florida for Spring Break I should come and see you." (spoken like a true college student--so proud)

"But Rhia, we have the restorative day and a party that night and open house the next day...."

"I know but I won't be around anyway cause G & K are home and I really want to see them..."

"So you came all this way to see us (cough, cough)"

"Well, if I don't see G & K now, I don't know when I will... oh and btdubs, M & J are coming over"

You see where this was headed. So, the next thing we knew the house was filled with kids. Apparently we were the last to know. I was looking around my previously clean living room Friday night, frantically trying to find beautiful poetry for the RYD, kids everywhere, Guitar Hero paraphernalia strewn all about and I started cracking up. Best laid plans....

Turned out to be a stroke of genius on the part of the Universe though, one of my RYD guests called the night before and I could tell that she was young. Very young. Now, not to be offensive but the median age of my usual guests is 40ish. Ish. So, I instantly drafted Rhia. "you have to spend the WHOLE day with me and make this girl feel like she's not surrounded by just old folks" "ahhh geez!" But she did. And it was AWESOME! I got to partner up with Rhia and play silly yoga dancer games and see her relax a bit and yep, even see her in a new light. She's growing up. She's a pretty amazing person. Have I mentioned how much I miss her? Sigh. 2 more months.

So then the Universe decided to play another trick on us and get her snowed in. She was supposed to leave Sunday. But the roads were very icky all the way to NC Sunday. After much freaking out and flight searching, she lucked out and they closed the schools in NC. So we got a bonus day and a half! She couldn't leave til late yesterday morning cause of all the snow here. So we sandwiched in as much as you possibly could in 2 days...

The latest date for the launch is March 12th. So, in less than a week we may be picking her back up. Crazy Universe. This living in the now thing is exhausting.

From my SoulCollage blog...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:13:19 GMT

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

SoulCollage Gathering

At one point last month we had 16 folks signed up for our SoulCollage Night. Sheree & I were excited... and apprehensive... where would we put everyone? We decided to change the group from Sheree's house to mine since I have a dedicated room that is my yoga studio/office/reiki room/morning coffee room etc. My husband (and friends) converted our garage into this beautiful space surrounded with windows... it's lovely. So we put 4 long tables in, grabbed every chair in the house, borrowed from our church and had plenty of space.

Ultimately, 5 people showed up. Counting Sheree & I that's 7 altogether.

We had a great time. Went on well past time, really connected and shared. It's so funny, this has been our experience from the start with SoulCollage. We always get a lot of interest and then for a variety of reasons, most of which folks can't control, the group comes to the perfect size. Sometimes more, sometimes less, heck we've even had only one show up sometimes. Usually one really in need of undivided attention.

It's difficult to get over the feeling of throwing a party and no one showing up. It's difficult for other people to resist asking, "so how many did you have?" and look pityingly at the small number. I have to admit that if I allow myself to judge quantity rather than quality, I will view my endeavors as less than successful. It's such a ridiculous barometer based on human nature and childishness that I feel blessed to get the opportunity to REALLY explore the truth of what's important.

So, what's the truth? The truth is 7 beautiful souls connected on a level beyond superficial, beyond the day to day doldrums of life. They created, they allowed their intuition to guide them, they let go of control and allowed themselves to be led to beautiful and thought provoking insights to their soul. They laughed, they were brought to tears, they met each other's eyes and shared their common humanity. They all realized the light in them recognized the light in each other and bowed respectfully. They were one.

They took a couple of hours to stop judging others by how many friends they have on facebook or how much money they made or what was the label on their clothes. In fact, the phrase most heard was, "I hear you, I've been there, I feel you...." And believe me, it wasn't about their jobs or the cars they drive or the size of their homes. It wasn't about who wins the award for being the most busy, although that's how they may live their lives outside of the group. For a few hours, they were nothing but themselves, creating works of art.

Do I consider that a successful evening? Hell yeah. So much so, that I have decided to give the opportunity every week, every Sunday from 2-4pm. And what if no one shows up?

Well.... I'll be there, won't I? And I am the One....that knows that One is enough.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Today...In Anticipation

I have some crazy stuff going on in my personal life that has nothing to do with my professional life so I'm a bit apprehensive about what this reading will tell me... But I am certain it will tell me just what I need to know...

First Card: I am the One who is Peace. I am released from my cage. I am the One flying over the unreal castle. I am the One who doesn't have a place to land since I am bigger than the landscape. I am the one whose landing is filled with pointy arrows seeking to harm me. I must find a soft spot or keep flying. I am the One who is pure and cooing. I am your crown chakra, your connection to the real God.

Second Card: I am the ruler of your throat chakra. I am the soft cuddly one who tries to soothe and carry the little ones on my back. I am the wise one rising above. I am the One who has told you to search for the green & blue lights. I can be very large and powerful when you need me. Speak your truth, give your hugs and go on your way. You will find the wisdom you need.

Third Card: We are your loyal companions. We are the ones who love you and stand by you unconditionally. We are your family. We are the ones present and past. We look to you wanting only love. We don't care about anything but being fed and being loved. In our eyes, you are okay just the way you are.

Fourth Card. I am the One to remind you that out of fire and ice comes flowering. I am the One with the kind face. I am the One who knows the elements. Earth, Fire, Water & Air are what is important. I say to you: Remember your purpose, remember who you are and what you are made of. Remember your knowing. Use the elements to bring flowers.

So there you have it.

Really looking forward to the SoulCollage Night tomorrow... Have a card that's been circling my head for awhile, anxious to get started on it.

Hope to see you there!

Peace & Joy, Linda

From my regular blog:

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:11:43 GMT

Wow. What a mess.

"We can’t control the world, but we can control our reactions to it." ~ Susan Jeffers

Life seems to be wanting me to learn lessons on control and lack thereof right now. The launch has been postponed indefinitely right now. A large project I was working on is on hold with much chaos surrounding it. I am finding it difficult to control my own thoughts, breathing & emotions because I am stunned at some very controlling behavior of others. The whole world seems to be slowly spinning out of control, which I believe is what is creating so much futile attempts at control.

When my daughter was in middle school, the school received an influx of kids from another district that they were not prepared to handle. In the first week of school, a random sniper shot one of her classmates right in front of her new school, leading to weeks of fear and nightmares that she still sometimes revisits. The strain on the staff and faculty was palpable. After the sniper was caught, there was still massive chaos within the school trying to handle an overage of kids, sometimes 40 kids in a class to 1 teacher. Out of control.

One day towards the end of the year, I got a phone call saying I needed to come pick my daughter up immediately because she was dressed inappropriately and had been pulled out of lunch and publicly humiliated in front of everyone in the cafeteria. I rush to the school, confused, what could she possibly be wearing that was inappropriate? She was in the same style clothes she had worn all year. She was going through a pudgy stage, and the style at the time was low cut shirts and hip hugger jeans, a style that did not suit her budding figure. She tended to wear brightly colored pajama pants which was also the norm for kids her age.

I get to the office only to see my sobbing child sitting alone dressed in her very loose ducky pants and a sweatshirt. A student working behind the desk, dressed in a very low cut skin tight shirt, exposing her belly with jeans that fastened well under the belly button, says to me, "you that girl's mom? you need to bring her some new clothes, _________ says she can't wear pajama bottoms anymore... they aren't decent". WHAT?????

Long story short: After much letter writing, arguing, revisiting the code of conduct and dress policy, my daughter was publicly apologized to for being used as a tool for something _______ could control. I learned that when people feel like they and their world is out of control, in their stress and fear they begin to look for things they CAN control, things that make them feel strong and productive when they feel like they can't get their job done.

I also learned that as much as I hate confrontation, as much as I would rather just walk away and hide from it, when kids are concerned I have to suck it up and speak my piece. I could not allow my daughter to think that it was okay for institutions to arbitrarily decide that they were going to change the rules without any advance notice and then punish her for not following them. Even though I felt for their situation, I could not allow her to be their scapegoat.

The lesson of all of this, past and present is: people behave badly when they think their world is threatened. Or when they get the inkling that maybe they aren't in control. The simple truth is....we never were. Grasping for control is the problem. Letting go and trusting is the soulution. But sometimes you gotta suck it up and say your peace.

I am where I am

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:28:07 GMT

This week I was supposed to be in Florida watching my brother in law get blasted off into space. For real. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, his launch has been delayed. We had made elaborate plans that had taken months working out the logistics of how to get Rhia there, how to afford it, where to stay, who will take care of the animals and all the other minutiae that goes along with a weekly trip when you are older and have responsibilities.

So, just as we worked the whole shebang out the launch was postponed. And has since been postponed a few more times. We no sooner make hotel reservations then they postpone it again. It has become extremely laughable. In the meantime, all our careful planning has slowly gotten thrown out the window. Today they had a meeting to decide whether they should have a meeting to decide when the launch will actually be but are making it very clear that it will not be before the 22nd. Unless of course they change their minds.

The easy moral of this story is go with the flow. Best laid plans go awry. I bet you could come up with a dozen cliches right off the top of your head.

I realized today that I have a huge ringing in my ears and some tension that I am carrying in my back. I realized that I am so forward looking that I really don't know how to live in the gap. For all my teachings of being in the moment, I realized that there is still a part of me living in the future. Not knowing what or when this is going to happen has thrown my equilibrium off a bit. It's sort of like, I am happy living in the moment as long as I can expect the next moment. But not knowing the next is making me uncomfortable in the present. You know?

What a gift. Because we never really know the next moment. In an easy swoop, any anticipated future could change, we could cease to exist or our life as we know it could drastically change. We know this on an intellectual level but actually living it, at least in practice, seems to me to be a very valuable life skill. Just like with yoga, we practice being uncomfortable and being able to breathe and relax through it, I guess practicing to go and then not go and then let go is just another form of yoga. Slash life.

I worried all week about my schedule and rescheduling and figuring out what to do with this unexpected time. Today I painted my bathroom. What fun. I even put sunny sunshine faces all over it. I'm okay with this moment. I guess the next moment can come without my input. Lead the way Lord...I'll just follow.

Yoga... 10 years Later

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:16:54 GMT

I was thinking this morning about the instantaneous effect yoga brings. When you practice yoga for a very, very long time, your body/mind/spirit become used to tuning in to the present. It's like the minute you take that first conscious breath you go on autopilot. But it's not a foggy autopilot... it's a completely aware autopilot, it's hard to explain.

My practice begins. I turn my palms up, ready to receive. I take a deep breath, completely filling my lungs. Slowly I exhale, feeling my muscles instantly melting, letting go. My feet root to the ground. My crown chakra opens and light comes pouring in. I no longer have to think. I can completely trust, go on instinct, let the breath take control. It's a lovely place.

"Let's inhale up" I say. My arms raise joyously, thankfully... ahhh yoga.

Those first couple movements, those first couple breaths are so precious. It's like coming home to rest. Automatically I am led through an opening series. I'm ashamed to admit this but sometimes I forget anyone else is there. They remind me :) After the first couple movements I become focused, super aware of the needs of all in the room. Ahhh, hips today. Or shoulders.

Once we are warmed up, I get a tremendous burst of energy. I wander about, zeroing in on each person. With my regulars sometimes I just have to look... I say, "let's use that exhale to...." and 4 people lower their shoulders, smiling. I circle the newcomers, sensing whether they want to be touched or led and adjust them if they are open to it. Sometimes I just lay a hand on my yogis shoulders... I am there... all is well... and I love you.

Course the I isn't I by then. --insert tremendous look of gratitude here.

Usually by mid-point, the energy becomes contagious. Smiles get bigger. Gentle teasing ensues (usually my students teasing me LOL) Giggling becomes the sound that replaces the breath. Ahh, we are ready to balance. You can't be so serious if you want to balance. Think about it. If balance is a yin/yang opportunity, wouldn't it stand to reason that seriousness & laughter go hand in hand? There is a wealth of wisdom in that statement.

Depending on who is in the class, sometimes I let myself get lost in a balance. People struggle with balance so much. It makes some of them angry and hard on themselves. If they see other's such as myself balancing without effort, it makes them angry at me. I understand. I was there. We've all been there. It depends on them whether they are inspired or envious. Same with stretching. I have gone into a deep forward bend and had students exclaim that they hate me. I understand. But I didn't get there overnight. I say a quick prayer that they find the same joy and motivation to stick with it.

By the time we get to relaxation, my spirit is light. I am filled with love. I send healing energy and prayers to my students as they lay there. I feel maternal as I watch them rest. I put them all in a large hug of light and hope they find what they need and understand it may not be what they want. Ahhh yoga.

When people stick with it and actually "get it", it is one of the most beautiful joys in the world. I see it on their faces. And I watch it change their lives. At first this is scary. I understand. I was used to being in control, or so I thought. When I first started being "spacey" it was terrifying. How could I manage everything and still feel so... well... pleasant? The answer was I couldn't.

Thank God. Look where it brought me. Namaste'

Balance

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:11:39 GMT

I have been working on balance. No, not physically, other than that sharp wind from the left in the Sanctuary trying to knock me over, my physical balance is good. It's the emotional balancing that tends to get a bit tricky.

Learning to navigate the work, family, self, show, friends, river is very challenging for me. I have often said I have the opposite of ADD-- I can only focus on one thing at a time and it tends to consume me. I have to really drag myself from my task once I'm in it and get very irritated when I am interrupted. This was quite a pickle when the kids were little and we had 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs, 100 fish and in and out foster children. There was no such thing as focus. I couldn't even focus in the bathroom... sometimes I would open the door to find the whole lot of them standing there looking at me impatiently.

Ok, well, maybe not the fish. But the rest of them!

Since the occupants of my home have dwindled down, I have had more opportunities to focus. But because it is my life's task to learn to structure (according to that book) I have scattered my own energies, diversifying and making the attempt to balance all my "stuff".

Currently I am working on:

Evening at CCPC
Getting my jewelry stock back up & filling custom orders
Private & Group Yoga classes
Gathering people and info for the next play
Reiki Appts.
SoulCollage workshops
My newsletter
Preparing for the Space Launch trip
Keeping in contact w/my daughter in NC
Helping my son here with sliced fingers and future planning
Email, email, email
Dragging my self off Facebook & Twitter
Tarot readings
Sending Reiki energy to the World Peace grids
Watering my poor dying plants
Cleaning my wretched house by Thursday for the yoga classes here
Attempting to talk w/my husband while trying to keep up with the never ending DVR overload
My own yoga/meditation/reading practice Ha.
Blogging, sha right.
Making myself exercise for an hour every day

It doesn't help that I tend to go off on one tangent and get stuck (facebookers, can you hear me?) and then have to perform crisis management to catch the rest up. I keep thinking I should organize by the hour.... this hour for this, that hour for that, this day, that day... it seems a bit overwhelming. Which is why I am frequently writing my newsletter at midnight.

Sometimes it seems as if a 9-5 job would be such a vacation. But I love, love, love what I am doing. I have met the coolest people and have felt the most amazing energy (last night was unbelievable) I wouldn't trade my life for a million dollars.

Well. Maybe parts of it.

Remember the principles of balance: Focus. Allow yourself to sway, don't try and hold still, balance is fluid. Empty completely into one side without leaning. Keep the core strong.... OH.... that's the one I missed.

Talk to you soon. Love ya!

January 21st.

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:19:51 GMT

Last night we raised a glass to toast the new President. The group at yoga was small, having been moved from our big Sanctuary to my place--it's a bit more intimate. We spent the first 20 minutes discussing our impressions of the day, and since we were all of like mind, our excitement was evident. It was hard to settle down to yoga--living so close to DC made it possible to actually feel the wave of energy emanating from those millions on the mall-- but I know how important it is to breathe deep, settle in and be in the moment.

Keeping level is important. Throughout the last eight years, those of us that realized the magnitude of the events occurring without our control, without our input, had to learn to bide our time. Those years were very important because we had to learn to go with the flow, trust in a better time to come. To learn the truth of what is up...will come down... and pray for the time when what is down will be salvaged. This is where we are. And yes, though we celebrate, it remains important to stay level. We know in our hearts that the road is long and filled with ups and downs. We need to stay in our hearts, in this moment, in this time.

One of my favorite cards in the Osho deck is Success:

It seems so relevant today. Especially with the tiger walking on the world. It's all about riding the tiger of success, celebrating with a tickertape parade... "enjoy it, and share your joy with others - and remember that all bright parades have a beginning and an end. If you keep this in mind, and squeeze every drop of juice out of the happiness you are experiencing now, you will be able to take the future as it comes without regrets. But don't be tempted to try to hold on to this abundant moment, or coat it in plastic so that it lasts forever. The greatest wisdom to keep in mind with all the phenomena in the parade of your life, whether they be valleys or peaks, it that 'this too will pass'. Celebrate, YES, and keep on riding the tiger.

Enjoy the peak while it lasts and then enjoy the valley when it comes. What is wrong with the valley? What is wrong with being low? It is a relaxation. A peak is an excitement, and nobody can exist continuously in an excitement."

This is what President Obama was saying in his inaugural address and over and over in all his speeches since he was elected. We must stay level and not allow the highs and lows to rule our consciousness. We have learned that things are never in our control.. they never were... and we can survive and learn from others mistakes as much as our own. In many ways we are blessed with new knowledge of what is important: working with others, not trusting that 'big daddy' will take care of us...sometimes we need to seize the moment and trust our instincts and do what our hearts tell us to do-- and most importantly, not allow fear to stop us from doing it. And let us not forget Hope.. it's a real generator of change.

I am breathing in and breathing out... just a bit easier now. Namaste'